I Fail

Picture the scene: After sleeping all day, I woke up to a lot more darkness than I was anticipating. I was walking through the house wondering why it was so fucking dark when I see a dimly lit face, I immediately think lesbian vampire assassin so i hurriedly rush( redundance is my favorite dance) to the light switches so I may see my killer/lez lover/eater (Same thing). Wait don't stop picturing. I fumble with the switches, they're only three and i some how only manage to flip the wrong two like four times when suddenly a familiar voice sounds out from the abyss and says "There's only three! How have you not gotten it yet?"

I hope I have not offended any lesbian, vampire, or bearded readers I may but probs don't have

You can imagine my utter surprise when i realized that it was not a vampire lesbian sent to kill me but, DUN DUN DUN
"Becca?!"
duh.
"I thought you where a vampire lesbian sent to kill me. Omg I'm gonna go blog this."
THE END.
I am sorry for making you read that. I'm on a mission to blog more which will result in much short and bullshittier posts.

Demon Lizard

I was lying down and reading Fablehaven; Grip of the Shadow Plague (Shut your face it is too a big girl book!). You know how you get so into a book that you don't notice anything? You don't well then your not reading hard enough, try harder. Anyway I was really into the book, nothing else mattered cause I was reading, damn it.
 

This totally happened and I didn't notice

Then something touched my face and I was like silly hair get off my face! I brushed the hair off my face and then it must have realized it left its ipod on my forehead or something and it touches me again. I brush it off again (just hang in a little long it gets better) and it comes on my head again (that's what she said), so I look at my pillow and JESUS CHRIST ITS A LIZARD!!!!!

Troll lizard is trollin'

As we all know lizards are demons, so I did what anyone in their right mind would do: I leaped off my bed, sending the demon and my pillow sailing across the room, grabbed the post swung off of it and round house kicked the air. Naturally all of this was done while screaming. I quickly assessed the situation in my best karate stance having determined it still highly dangerous I ran to the bathroom washed my face (some tears may have been shed, but this is an unconfirmed report). I then ran to my daddy but alas, fate was against me and only my mum was there. She quickly sensed some thing was wrong despite my calm (read hysterical) demeanor.

I calmly relayed the story to her

She gave me a fruit roll up and went off to battle the demon. The battled ended when mum flushed the evil to hell. Needless to say I no longer sleep will my pillow near the window.

Gis' Guest Post

My awesometastic cousin Gis, wrote this post a looooooooong ass time ago for me to post but I had the most important job evar. I had to make THREE pictures and it took me at least a year but the pictures are made of gold so you know. I shut my face. Now Gis talks:
 One day I was challenged to be mature for 12 whole hours and, needing to prove that being 22 years old meant that I was automatically vastly more mature than anyone on the face of the Earth EVAR, I took the challenge to showcase the might that is my Maturity. (Also, the challenge fed into my ego's need to always attempt to prove people wrong).
That day, I woke up a full FIVE minutes earlier than normal and actually thought to take a breakfast with me (nevermind the fact that said breakfast was a leftover lava cake - who said that?!). I dressed like a classy lady from Mad Men or something - because vintage 1950s and 60s inspired office clothes are, inexplicably, what I instinctively picture when I think of maturity - and got to WORK 3 minutes early.
I was on a roll.
I took my seat at my desk and began my 8 hours of work of....doing...nothing? It was at that point that I had to make a checklist of things mature people do. This is what I had written down:
-wear sensible shoes CHECK!
-NOT have hair in face CHECK!
-NOT make 'That's what she said' jokes CHECK!
-play Scrabble
-talk about stocks and investments
-own a yacht
Evidently, my understanding of conventional maturity was largely skewed by posh stereotypes propogated by the media. Also evident was that only half of my self-imposed checklist was complete. So I started adding more things that I figured I COULD accomplish to the checklist to make myself feel like a successful success machine. (Shut your face - they exist!)
Look:

After much deliberation, I added to the checklist, sure that I would feel the tingling sensation of success:
-NOT play computer games
-NOT go on Facebook
-NOT text while at work
-actually do work
-eat salad for lunch (ZOMG, FIBER!)
Clearly I was in it to win it. I was fairly confident that I could, and would, succeed with this checklist as my maturity compass. And so I whiled away the remaining hours, crossing the aforementioned points off of the checklist, content in the knowledge that I could claim this as a victory.  Most of my day was spent like this:

But it felt more like this:

 

Finally, the workday was done (which meant that 3 hours still remained in the bet); I was, however, finally able to text, which was a huge relief. It was at that point that I was invited out to dinner. Let me just say that the drive to that dinner was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to endure – my boyfriend at the time was in on the bet and he kept making dirty jokes and prodding me to make epic ‘That’s what she said’ jokes…but I held my ground damn well.
I was a vision of sophistication and whatnot for the next few hours – even keeping my swearing down to the bare minimum – and as I sat, watching the clock, counting down the minutes till I could be myself again, I felt an epiphany wash over me like waves on a shore. It was calming. It was rejuvenating. It was….9 o’clock! I had made it to 12 hours and, to celebrate, I made a dirty joke including quite a bit of profanity. Fuck that epiphany before, being immature is a googolplex times better than being boringly mature!
In conclusion, being mature is dumb and if you do it, you’ll get AIDS and die. That is le fact. You’re welcome.

Hug List

Special mention to Jada S. who has been telling people about my blog and being generally awesome.
If you haven't noticed I'm a special brand of crazy, I have an obsessive personality. My latest obsession is The Sopranos, while the whole show is awesomefunatastic, I absolutely LOVE Furrio. The character is awesome, the actor is awesome, his face is awesome.


The hair? yeah, its awesome

You see that? YES! that fine slab of epic awesomeness pictured above, that is Frederico Castelluccio. It is impossible to say what I am about to, with out sounding like an insane stalker but I'll try anyway. He currently holds the top spot on my 'Hug List'. If you're unable to figure out what a hug list  because you're 'slow' or 'special' then here it is, a hug list is a (totally sane and normal person's) list of people that they must hug or die trying would really, really love to hug. Without allowing more time for you to contemplate my insanity, I present you my 'Hug List"

Hugs are so great they make mustaches and monocles spontaneously appear

Its not like I think these people are sexy (except Mr. Franco, Mr. Urie of course and maybe Furrio) or anything, but I have deemed them awesome as fuck and think that they would be AMAZING to hug. I have to hug at least one of them before I die, I MUST, it is now a life goal! In fact, if I were a Make-A-Wish  kid, my wish would be to meet and hug Frederico at the Wizarding World Of Harry Potter. (I'm linking to things like a BEAST today)

Actual picture of me

Now I know that was a shitload (some might argue it was a fuckload) of crazy for one sitting but at least I'm not this guy:

Pictured: Sanity

Ps. Sorry about being so lazy and not drawing any pictures this post.
Ps(part2). The guy who plays Tony Soprano his name James Gandolfini, GANDOLF-ini, as in Galdalf the grey then white. Best last name ever goes to Mr.Gandolfini

Titties

Ok, I lied this post has nothing what so ever to do with titties but since you're already here why don't you just stay? You will stay!

              YAY!

 My dad drives like a mad man high on cocaine, who really must get home to pee, right now. Recently day my dad was driving my sister and I home.

Pictured above: Candy

To my dad's great displeasure we had to stop at a red light. Had anyone else was driving then this wouldn't be so bad but red lights annoy the hell out of dad. For the duration of the stop he holds the steering wheel as if his life depends on him keeping a constant and intense pressure on the it, and every minute or so readjusting his grip in a most dramatic manner. Becca and I were talking and dad was annoying the steering wheel when...

   

                 

Screaming-across-traffic: an entirely reasonable and normal alternative form of communication.

The driver of a car beside us that had gone unnoticed, began scream-conversing with dad, from the next lane over:

Random Guy: PETA? PETA [name has been blocked by awesome censorship bots]
Dad: GENERIC MALE NAME!
RG: WAH GWAN PETA?
Dad: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
RG: BLAH BLAH BLAH I HAVE NO SHAME
Dad: BLAH BLAH BLAH WE LOOK RIDICULOUS
Me n' Becca : *quiet chuckles*

Then this other random burst from behind the first and starts yet another scream-convo:
RG2G: "PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETAH!!"
Me n; Becca: *intensified giggle fit*
Dad: I AM CONVERSING LOUDLY IN PUBLIC
RG2G: NO WAY, ME TOO

Before any more unseen, random, loud-speaking men could appear the light turned green. The first random sped off while the second screamed "BLESSINGS!!". Becca and I rightfully thought "Blessings" to be the greatest and most hilarious valediction and quite nearly lmao'd. Later on in our journey, when we were driving through a ghetto-ish area, Becca stuck her head out and screamed...

at the unsuspecting strangers, all of whom made startled little jumps and looked about them. Dad thought it was pretty funny. Becca and I were almost laughing too hard to high-five (luckily we struggled through and managed to five). I was inspired by her daring and hilarious joke, so much so that I, like the little sister I am, wanted to do it too. "DAD! DAAD! DAAAAAAAD!!! slow down i want to do it too!", I screamed. Daddy obliged me and I spotted the perfect person soon after.

The man I screamed to jumped and ran away. After a good bout of roflcoptering Becca said he probably thought it was a drive by, and we concluded that he was most likely running to change is underwear.

O Rly? Ya Rly!

Ok, so this isn't really a post but come on it's still awesome
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I don't know who did this but you sir, are awesome.

October, You Son of a Bitch

      Through out my childhood October was my least favorite month. Why? for the exact same reason that its most kid's favorite month, Halloween. To most kids, Halloween was the best freaking day of the year, ever,  excluding Christmas and their birthday, of course. But for me Halloween was just all the things I wasn't allowed because of my dad's ridiculous rules rolled into one fantabulous day of 'Liz cant do that'. For those of you who don't know me at all my dad is insane, I don't mean that sad institutionalized (Omfg I spelt that right on the first try. Go me!)  kind of insane but 'the how the fuck does that make sense, at all in your mind' kind of insane . Any way, my dad had a whole long list of things we were not allowed to do, first and foremost on this list was anything cool and magical, which really sucked for me because of all things that I thought were amazingly cool, magic was and still is on the very top of that list.

See that list? yeah., that one, it killed all my fun

My prep. school wasn't one of those church ones that are totally big on Jesus and stuff it was just a normal up-town prep. school, so celebrating Halloween was normal, accepted, it was no big deal. Halloween was OK, knowing that, I felt like an outcast each and every October. Every year my prep. school friend Rachel, would have a supposed super freaking epic Halloween party and every year I would be invited, and I say 'supposed super freaking epic' because to this day I have never been to one of those Halloween parties, and every year, with out fail I would ask my dad to please please PLEEEEEEEEEEASE let me go to just one itsy bitsy Halloween party and every year my plead was met with a very quick and stern 'No' the kind of 'no' that you can't work with, there was no wiggle room, that no rang with authority and was most definitely final. So after a couple of years of me asking and dad saying no, I adopted a new tactic, I would try to fool him into thinking that it wasn't actually a Halloween party, but it was in fact, just a normal every day party, that just so happened to be held on the 31st of October, this to me was a fool proof plan! He would never see it coming! So I mustered up all the courage my little 8 year old or so, body could hold, took a deep breath, walk right up to my parents door, chickened out and ran to the kitchen to tell mum about the plan.

And then I ran away

I explained the it to my mum, she doubted the plan but she encouraged me to try, knowing that if I failed I would totally cry for like an hour. With my new found courage and false hope from mum and ran bravely into mum 'n' dad's room. I batted my cute little puppy dog eyes and made my 'pweeeeeease!!! daddy' face but he was prepared! After all this had been happening for years, he knew it was coming but I couldn't quit yet so looked up at him with my big hopeful eyes and said "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddy? " which started the following conversation:

Dad: Yes poogles?
Me : DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! (for some reason I thought screaming 'daddy' multiple times would increase my chances of getting a yes )
Dad:  Yes? yes? yes?
Me: oh! most wonderfulest daddy EVER
Dad: *Sigh* what do you want?
Me : Daddy, can I go to Rachel's party PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE DADDY DADDY DADDY! Pleeeeeeeeeease
Dad: When is it?
Me: Meh henna meme meh? (i thought that mumbling the date would satisfy his curiousity, i was wrong)
Dad: What? when?
Me: Uhh it's... this month
Dad: This month when?
Me: Oh....just the 31st
Dad: October the 31st?
Me:...........Shmes
Dad: Is it a Halloween party?!
Me: Oh! no! its a...um just cause party!
Dad: no
Me: BUT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDY!
Dad: no

I was uber sad!

I was crushed, I was certain that this new plan couldn't possibly have failed, I made the saddest, most pitiful face and just stared at him but he was adamant, there was no way I was going to that party and from that day forth I stopped asking, every time I was invited I made up a different excuse for why I couldn't attend and eventually I was invited only out of habit, not because of an actual expectation that I might come. And that is just one of the many reason why I have a sort of disdain for Halloween, I don't hate it, but whereas it represents dressing up, having fun and getting shit loads of candy for most children for me Halloween is just a day I had to pretend didn't exist. Now, of course I just watch scary movies with either my brother or my best friends on Halloween which isn't that shitty :D!