Titties

Ok, I lied this post has nothing what so ever to do with titties but since you're already here why don't you just stay? You will stay!

              YAY!

 My dad drives like a mad man high on cocaine, who really must get home to pee, right now. Recently day my dad was driving my sister and I home.

Pictured above: Candy

To my dad's great displeasure we had to stop at a red light. Had anyone else was driving then this wouldn't be so bad but red lights annoy the hell out of dad. For the duration of the stop he holds the steering wheel as if his life depends on him keeping a constant and intense pressure on the it, and every minute or so readjusting his grip in a most dramatic manner. Becca and I were talking and dad was annoying the steering wheel when...

   

                 

Screaming-across-traffic: an entirely reasonable and normal alternative form of communication.

The driver of a car beside us that had gone unnoticed, began scream-conversing with dad, from the next lane over:

Random Guy: PETA? PETA [name has been blocked by awesome censorship bots]
Dad: GENERIC MALE NAME!
RG: WAH GWAN PETA?
Dad: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
RG: BLAH BLAH BLAH I HAVE NO SHAME
Dad: BLAH BLAH BLAH WE LOOK RIDICULOUS
Me n' Becca : *quiet chuckles*

Then this other random burst from behind the first and starts yet another scream-convo:
RG2G: "PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETAH!!"
Me n; Becca: *intensified giggle fit*
Dad: I AM CONVERSING LOUDLY IN PUBLIC
RG2G: NO WAY, ME TOO

Before any more unseen, random, loud-speaking men could appear the light turned green. The first random sped off while the second screamed "BLESSINGS!!". Becca and I rightfully thought "Blessings" to be the greatest and most hilarious valediction and quite nearly lmao'd. Later on in our journey, when we were driving through a ghetto-ish area, Becca stuck her head out and screamed...

at the unsuspecting strangers, all of whom made startled little jumps and looked about them. Dad thought it was pretty funny. Becca and I were almost laughing too hard to high-five (luckily we struggled through and managed to five). I was inspired by her daring and hilarious joke, so much so that I, like the little sister I am, wanted to do it too. "DAD! DAAD! DAAAAAAAD!!! slow down i want to do it too!", I screamed. Daddy obliged me and I spotted the perfect person soon after.

The man I screamed to jumped and ran away. After a good bout of roflcoptering Becca said he probably thought it was a drive by, and we concluded that he was most likely running to change is underwear.

O Rly? Ya Rly!

Ok, so this isn't really a post but come on it's still awesome
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I don't know who did this but you sir, are awesome.

October, You Son of a Bitch

      Through out my childhood October was my least favorite month. Why? for the exact same reason that its most kid's favorite month, Halloween. To most kids, Halloween was the best freaking day of the year, ever,  excluding Christmas and their birthday, of course. But for me Halloween was just all the things I wasn't allowed because of my dad's ridiculous rules rolled into one fantabulous day of 'Liz cant do that'. For those of you who don't know me at all my dad is insane, I don't mean that sad institutionalized (Omfg I spelt that right on the first try. Go me!)  kind of insane but 'the how the fuck does that make sense, at all in your mind' kind of insane . Any way, my dad had a whole long list of things we were not allowed to do, first and foremost on this list was anything cool and magical, which really sucked for me because of all things that I thought were amazingly cool, magic was and still is on the very top of that list.

See that list? yeah., that one, it killed all my fun

My prep. school wasn't one of those church ones that are totally big on Jesus and stuff it was just a normal up-town prep. school, so celebrating Halloween was normal, accepted, it was no big deal. Halloween was OK, knowing that, I felt like an outcast each and every October. Every year my prep. school friend Rachel, would have a supposed super freaking epic Halloween party and every year I would be invited, and I say 'supposed super freaking epic' because to this day I have never been to one of those Halloween parties, and every year, with out fail I would ask my dad to please please PLEEEEEEEEEEASE let me go to just one itsy bitsy Halloween party and every year my plead was met with a very quick and stern 'No' the kind of 'no' that you can't work with, there was no wiggle room, that no rang with authority and was most definitely final. So after a couple of years of me asking and dad saying no, I adopted a new tactic, I would try to fool him into thinking that it wasn't actually a Halloween party, but it was in fact, just a normal every day party, that just so happened to be held on the 31st of October, this to me was a fool proof plan! He would never see it coming! So I mustered up all the courage my little 8 year old or so, body could hold, took a deep breath, walk right up to my parents door, chickened out and ran to the kitchen to tell mum about the plan.

And then I ran away

I explained the it to my mum, she doubted the plan but she encouraged me to try, knowing that if I failed I would totally cry for like an hour. With my new found courage and false hope from mum and ran bravely into mum 'n' dad's room. I batted my cute little puppy dog eyes and made my 'pweeeeeease!!! daddy' face but he was prepared! After all this had been happening for years, he knew it was coming but I couldn't quit yet so looked up at him with my big hopeful eyes and said "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddy? " which started the following conversation:

Dad: Yes poogles?
Me : DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! (for some reason I thought screaming 'daddy' multiple times would increase my chances of getting a yes )
Dad:  Yes? yes? yes?
Me: oh! most wonderfulest daddy EVER
Dad: *Sigh* what do you want?
Me : Daddy, can I go to Rachel's party PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE DADDY DADDY DADDY! Pleeeeeeeeeease
Dad: When is it?
Me: Meh henna meme meh? (i thought that mumbling the date would satisfy his curiousity, i was wrong)
Dad: What? when?
Me: Uhh it's... this month
Dad: This month when?
Me: Oh....just the 31st
Dad: October the 31st?
Me:...........Shmes
Dad: Is it a Halloween party?!
Me: Oh! no! its a...um just cause party!
Dad: no
Me: BUT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDY!
Dad: no

I was uber sad!

I was crushed, I was certain that this new plan couldn't possibly have failed, I made the saddest, most pitiful face and just stared at him but he was adamant, there was no way I was going to that party and from that day forth I stopped asking, every time I was invited I made up a different excuse for why I couldn't attend and eventually I was invited only out of habit, not because of an actual expectation that I might come. And that is just one of the many reason why I have a sort of disdain for Halloween, I don't hate it, but whereas it represents dressing up, having fun and getting shit loads of candy for most children for me Halloween is just a day I had to pretend didn't exist. Now, of course I just watch scary movies with either my brother or my best friends on Halloween which isn't that shitty :D!

Dude Check the Date

                                      Today is 08/09/10!!! AWESOME. 8,9,10!

Hi, I'm Count Von Count and I approve this message

 If you write the date in a different way, then you suck. Well this isn't really a post but it took damn long to draw Count so appreciate it!

Cool Outfit Bro

There are those questions that are just shit fucking awkward, and impossible to ask but you really must know the answer, like your friend is wearing this:

and you simple must inquire if they honest-to-God mean to wear that. The way I would want to ask would be something along the lines of 'Bitch what in the fuck do you think you are wearing and do you honestly mean to wear that out?' cause to me that's just the a funny way to ask.

Unfortunately some people think this is a 'mean' way to ask and would think me a 'jerk'. So I'd have to lay a thick layer of tact on the question.

 Outfitted with its new and shiny coat of tact my hilarious question has transformed into a polite version of its old self, for example "Are you sure you're done dressing?" That's just what tact does, it's gay magic, it takes perfectly hilarious, yet slightly mean comments and questions and turns them nicey-nice and gay-gay

Tact aside the whole situation is just plain awkward. no matter how the question is phrased, the person thinks their outfit is fucking awesome, in their mind it's edgy, daring, and even cool. But the rest of the world sees that its just shitty, she needs to know but telling her is hard. My solution?

There, problem solved.

Note To Madman

Dear Madman on the Street Who Looks Like This:

He convinced hes walking a dog

For some unknown reason you are walking up and down my street scream "PEEEEEEEEEEEEDAMANSLAPALA" at 7 in the fucking morning, A friendly word of advice, try not to appear like a madman, this is easily accomplished by doing simple things like: brushing your hair, bathing and not scream like a goddamn madman at 7 in the fucking morning!!!
                                                                                                                  
                                                                                                                                 Sincerely I Hate You
P.S. Kill Yourself

Moths - Insects or Agents of Evil and Death

 Just a quick shout out to Luz and Julie, you guys are the first people that I don't know to see my blog so, HEY YOUR AWESOME

*announcer voice* Back to scheduled blogging

 Moths and to a lesser extent, butterflies, are extremely scary and evil agents of death that plot to kill your family while they sleep. They even start out as the disgusting, creepy and evil super villain bastard Dr.Caterpillah (suckish name I know but don't point it out he's sensitive about it)

But that's another story for another time. Anyway it is completely rational to be afraid of them, yet upon being informed that I'm afraid of them people say one of, or a combination of the following:

"That's stupid, they're more afraid of you than you are of them"

Unsurprisingly this is epicly false, they are terrifying, they know it and they use it daily in their quest to eliminate the human race and gain control of the earth. If ever you find your self thinking "Hey that's a cute, small and harmless insect", remember this, all moths are evil spies working for a secret organization whose sole purpose is to destroy all the things that make you feel happy and good inside.
 (sorry that, that pic is so big)


"Seriously, they aren't scary" says the idiot

Wait, what? You said moths aren't scary? Bitch, do you see that clearly un-doctored and totally real picture? Even if we set aside the fact that they are former super villains that now work for evil secret organizations, apparently some people don't accept that fact, they are still scary. Just look at that fire-eyed, death-winged, spiky-toothed, bitch-moth. Scary oozes from its every pore! It even has a hardcore bad-ass tattoo proclaiming that I must die.


"Moths are just ugly butterflies, so no need to be scared"

That's like someone telling you that they're afraid of sharks and you saying that sharks are just ugly dolphins, its kind of true but not really. Not that it really matters to me, the fact remains that butterflies and moths are disgusting, evil bastards in collaboration with evil ninja. There is every sensible reason to fear both butterflies and moths.

At long last we come to the response I receive most frequently:
"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA"

 Its quite unbelievable how many assholes people think my, completely rational and justifiable fear, to be ridiculous.

The Ten Most Awesome Mythological Creatures

Hi I'm Liz (this is my first post!). Since I don't want to scare you with a random blurt of personal information, I've devised a clever plan to get hooked on my post so i can later post more personal posts! *devious smile*

 

My Clever Plan

First I will do a post on a slightly personal yet extremely interesting current topic like say Mythological Creatures! in this post I will include great pictures drawn by me on my computer. You will be so lost in the awesomeness of the post that you will not realize that you have been tricked into loving my posts till the end of the post when it will be too late. MUHAHAHAHAHA

 The Ten Most Awesome Mythological Creatures

 

What follows is the ranking of my favorite mythological creatures in order of epic awesomeness. One is the most awesome-est epic awesome that you will ever witness. EVER. while Ten is kind of pretty awesome-ish

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!

 Number Ten -The Gnome

As previously mentioned number ten is kind of pretty awesome-ish but not really hardcore.

yet you must admit that there is something strangely alluring about these short, chubby, bearded old men with pointy hats. Thier powers include and are most definately limited to:

• Being Short Powers
• Being Old Powers
• Extraordinarily Long Beard Powers
• Awesome Hat Powers
• Traveling Powers
• Hotel Testing Powers
• Being Semi-creepy Powers

Number  Nine 

BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA

Number Eight - The Puca

Being number eight isn't that impressive but at least it beat the gnome. Pucas are pretty cool, their shape-shifters and plus they don't have an uncalled for and silent 'g' in their name. No matter what shape they take, their fur is always dark. Its most favoritestestest form is a sleek black horse with flowing mane and luminescent gold eyes but since I can't draw horses so in the above picture i draw a furry cute blob. If a puca lures you onto its back it takes you for a wild ride [sexual ;)]. November 1st is Puca Day and and they come out on that day to provide prophecies and shit. Their  powers be:

• Giving Wild Rides ;)
• Being Black 
• Giving Prophecies
• Shape-shifting 

 Number Seven - The Kitsune

The Kitsune is a mystic fox spirit every 1000 years they gain another tail! seriously? a tail thats a lame ass 1000 year present. When finally they reach the ninth tail they turn gold or white, thats it no cool new powers just a different colour. Kitsune can fly, bend time, drive people mad and shape-shift, pretty cool huh? to bad their insane fear of dogs kills all the cool they gained from their awesome powers, which are:

• Time Manipulation 
• Having Mad Tails
• Being Old
• Shape-shifting
• Flight 
• Driving People Crazy

Number Six - The Churlichaun

Ok so i lied the churlichaun didn't retract the picture, he is infact very proud of his looks but i was unable to capture them, sorry. A churlichaun is a leprichaun except that they're always drunk. Yes! those bitches are never sober, just like that deadbeat uncle you refuse to talk about. Some tales say that they are kind and others that they are far bitchier than leprechauns so for the sake of their awesomeness I'll say they're  bitchier, cause whats ore awesome than a bitter drunk leprechaun? number five to one are awesome-er thats what! Oh and Chuck Norris of course. Holy shit! Look! its a list of their powers! like zomg!

• Protecting Wine
• Drinking
• Bitching 

The Number - The Kelpie 

Ok so i lost the writing for this one and I can't draw horses so I google imaged it, I' m such a freaking winner. So a Kelpie is a mystic water horse that can change into a woman to lure men which it then drowns at eats, fun date! Oh yeah if it gets someone onto its back its skin becomes adhesive and then it drowns and its you, horses are scary, I hate horses so big. Hey, look its a list of the kelpie's powers.

• Sticky Skin
• Givin' Wild Rides ;)
• Being a Secret Lady

Number Four - The Mermaid

A mermaid is generally a cute ass bitch from head to hip and a scaly fish from hip on. They're quite fond of sitting on rocks and combing their bomb ass hair with shell while their hugmongous tits hang out. Why? To attract men of course and do fun things (wink wink) with them like for example, swimming! Mermen on the other hand, take a more direct approach, they usually just kidnap a human woman and turn them into mermaids so they can do said fun things with them. Woah its a list of the mermaids powers! Yay!

• Future Tellin'
• Seducing Men 
• Commanding All Manor of Cool Ass Magic
• Sinkin' Ships

Number Three - The Dragon

 

Dragons are awesome, I'm always accidentally calling them dinosaurs, this clearly does not do them justice, they are waaaaaay better. In addition to being as big as or bigger than dinosaurs they, can fly! Yeah bitch, those mother fuckers fly AND hoard treasure AND breathe fire. Oh fuck I left a list of the dragons powers right down there.

• Largeness
• Dinosaur look-a-like
• Fire Breathe
• Flight
• Treasure Hoarding

 Oh and they were the first to wear the 'chiney' man mustache

Number Two (tehe) - The Kraken 

HOLY SHIT its number two!!! The kraken is number two because its a giant squid, which on its own would be badass enough, but the kraken is a giant squid with ten million motherfucking tentacles (please note this figure may be a bit off). This shit thinks it's so awesome that it's just rude, it kills sailors, tips ships and worst of all double dips at all social events. Also it has huge eyes. The kraken would like you to refer to the following list so that you may know how awesome its powers are.

• Big Ass Eyes
• Insane Amount of Tentacles
• Giantness
• Ship Tipping

ZO MY GOD ITS NUMBER FREAKING ONE!

Number One - The Unicorn 

The unicorn comes in at number one here on my fantabulous list of awesome, why?, a-cause its way more fucking cool than you and your mom will EVER be. So, basically a unicorn is a magical flying horse with a sodding horn!! Like seriously how cool is that

OMFG!! Its an Interesting Yet Nerdy Fact
Unicorns were never in Greek mythology but rather in accounts of natural history, the Greek writers of natural history at the time were like totally convinced that unicorns existed and located in the far off mystic land of India. The mystic Indians brought this list

• Amazing Horn 
• Flight
• Healing 
• Insane Beauty 
• Incomprehensible Awesomeness

Thanks for not throwing your computer into the snow because you hated my post